Dear Heart,

I know its been a while since we have had a proper talk. Seeing as you are the one who keeps me going these days, I feel like i owe it to you to drop in once in a while and see how things are going.

so how are things going? I know you probably feel a little more stressed than normal. Senior year is more stressful then i ever could have imagined. Picking a college, deciding my future in dance, balancing a social life... i just never stop to think how all of this affects you. I want to take this time to give you a proper thanks. If i could, i would give you a pat on the back and say Heart, job well done. Through all of this, you keep going. Even when sometimes I feel like you're going to explode, or not make it through the next day, somehow you find it in yourself to just keep on trucking. Even with things get really messy.

I also wanted to talk to you because we both know what is coming up. The month of May is always hard on us. This May, especially, is going to be extra tough. When i look back and think about all that we've been through together, i always wonder how we did it. in our 18 years together, you and i have gone through things that most people will never experience in their lifetime. i guess we are those few that somehow make it through it all. It is the month of May that i ask you to be extra tough. Last year we skimmed by and barely made it through. You got bruised, broken, crushed, and shattered and I've got me to blame for that. This year, we are going to toughen up. You and I are going to get through this just like every other obstacle- we will tough it out.

So in five days, when i am at my absolute worst, when all the memories come back to me, i am going to remember this conversation we had. i am not going to tell you that i want to die or that i want to rip you out of my chest. no, i am simply going to remember this conversation- that no matter what, you will keep on beating. The month of May will come and go just like every other month. it will come and go just like every other month before everything happened.

I hate the month of May. You know that. You know more than anyone how much it hurts. How many more years? How long will i hate the month of May? 5 years? forever? I know that you ache and hurt and feel the pain that i feel in my entire body. pain that turns to hatred. hatred that turns to rage because none of it was my fault. at the same time, im the only one to blame. Heart, how do you do it? How do you manage to survive after something like this. you would think something like this would make you stop beating. the aching would just be too much. but no, you keep aching and you keep beating. im thankful. but sometimes, i just think we'd be better off not beating. its times like these that make me wonder why we put up with it all.

So Heart, i will leave it up to you. It is going to get tough. probably the toughest you've yet to face. If you feel like it's time, i will understand.

I trust you.

Sincerely,
Mary